Dear 20-something self,
This is your 30 year old self talking to you so listen up. You’ve spent most of your twenties busting your ass, working multiple jobs, learning to find your way. You’ve spent countless hours searching for what drives you, where your passion lies and what’s going to fuel you through the darkest of your days. You’ve encountered more than you could have ever imagined, at times you almost gave up, but something told you to move forward. This is what I wish you would have known then, to get you to where you are now without so much pain.
Relationships. Love. Heartbreak.
Never settle. I don’t care what anyone tells you. Do not settle. Stop seeking people who don’t seek you. Stop changing yourself, stop trying to fit into some mold, stop trying to be someone you are not. The right person will be someone who embraces your free spirited ways, you loves that you are determined to leave a legacy and will push you further towards your dreams then telling you to walk away.
You love hard. You see other people’s potential even when they don’t, this will be one of your hardest areas to conquer in your relationships because people will give up on themselves before you’re ready to give up on them. You can’t change that. Keep moving forward even when your heart gets broken, even when people drop you or walk away without reason. There are seasons of love, these seasons are building you for your long term life relationship.
I promise you, your heart will heal. You will go on. You will live your life and honestly. You’re going to be freed so that you can truly become the person God intended you to be, so allow your heart to hurt. Live those emotions but DO NOT let it define you, break you or even for a second think you’re not going to make it. You will. I know it.
Instead love hard, often. Don’t change the way you love because you will find your tribe of friends who appreciates your compassion. You will find people who will appreciate your love of giving and they will be grateful that you make them feel special. Do not change the way you love, do not let heartbreak turn you cold. Do not change. Your heart is big for a reason. Protect yourself but do not hold back for fear of heartbreak.
Body Image.
Walk away from the mirror, step off the scale. You my dear are a perfectionist. In areas of life it will be your shining moment but in this it will be your demise. You will rise. But you will run the risk of harming yourself with poor health decisions.
For too long you under consumed calories, over-worked out and spent too much time criticizing your body so that you felt good enough for those in your life. Please stop this madness. You are find just the way you are. Push yourself because you are passionate about movement and the human body. But do not define yourself by a number, the number you seek is not healthy. It will not bring you joy. Because you will attain it and do things that are dangerous to maintain it. It’s not a way to live.
Embrace your love of the gym, your desire to find balance and that little addiction to sugar because it’s going to be a lifetime of learning my dear. Instead, celebrate each day, each breathe, each hour if you have to be. You’re alive and with that comes the opportunity to change, to achieve and to live however you sett fit (no pun intended lol). You will eventually get to a point where you can look at yourself in the mirror and say DAMN I’M PROUD to have got to this point. I swear it seems impossible now, but you will get there. Your day is coming.
Perfection. It doesn’t exist.
You seek perfection on a level most do not understand and will never comprehend. They don’t see what’s in your head, how fast your brain moves, the millions of thoughts as you run through every possible scenario in your head in each situation. It’s going to make you think you’re losing your mind, you’re not. You just seek the most from yourself and others won’t understand that always.
Understand, this perfectionist mindset, it’s wonderful because it gives you a work ethic most cannot even imagine. It’s what fuels the fire in your soul to do what society tells you that you cannot. It’s what gives you the drive to work every job possible to push yourself to achieve greatness. It’s what will keep you in the game when you start to lose sight of why you’re working so hard when life gets tough.
It’s a gift but it’s a curse. Because you my dear will seek perfection in every aspect of your life, you will seek control that doesn’t exist. Your life is going to take a turn and that desire for perfection will cause a dangerous course of events. You’ll survive but it’s going to be dark. You will see that you’re never truly in control. It will be hard to accept. You will get angry, question God but it’s okay, he knows. You will find your way.
But know, perfect is in the eye of the beholder. Stop trying to live by other people’s standards and run your own race by your own standards at your own pace. That’s when you with thrive and truly realize the potential you inherently were born with. You do you. Always girl.
Death.
Death. You’re not unfamiliar with this. You’ve already lost people in your life. But in your 20s, the level at which you will experience will be impossible to understand. I can’t save you, I can’t protect you from it but it’s going to teach you more than you could ever understand. It’s going to cause you to question all of your beliefs, your worth and if you belong in this world. I can’t change this. I can’t save you from this.
You’re going to lose people in your life, at times when you feel God could not have had worse timing. You’re going to watch the people you love struggle, you’re not going to be able to save them either. It’s going to hurt like hell. You always protect those you love but during this series of events, you’re not going to be able to protect them and it will kill you a little bit more.
Be there. Be there for them. Support them. Love them. But realize grief, it’s a never ending battle that you my dear aren’t done experiencing. It’s going to hurt like hell as your world gets ripped apart and never falls back together. Life as you know it will be over and you’re going to have to develop a new life. Take your loved ones with you. They don’t ever truly leave you and you’re going to experience moments where you can feel them. Embrace these movements. Slow down. Take them in. Because you will have some of your darkest days when you beg God for them and they won’t come back. But if you slow down, open your heart and mind you’ll see them.
Just know it’s not you. I know you feel like you’re cursed. I know it’s going to terrify you to allow anyone else in and for a while you’ll feel weird when you do have feelings for others because you’re afraid they’ll die too. It’s not you my dear. It’s life. It’s death. It’s the real reality of the circle of life. This is why you need to live. Now. Everyday. So that you can achieve a level of comfort that when your day comes you won’t have to look back and wish you lived you will have already thrived.
Death. It will be your greatest demise and greatest life lesson.
Mental Health.
Mental health. It’s going to be seen as taboo to talk about but you need to talk about it. You have to be honest with yourself and those around you. You’re going to struggle with these issues until you fully understand yourself and then you will learn how to handle these issues. Don’t blame yourself for your struggles, you’ve already lived a lifetime of unforeseen circumstances and battles that will lead you down this path.
Abandonment started this path. You didn’t know it was coming. No one expects their biological parent to give them up. But that issue is what will start it all. You won’t notice it until your 20s, you won’t see it manifest itself in certain circumstances until you’re hold enough to realize you are the way you are out of fear.
You will wish your life was different, wish you didn’t feel as much as you feel and wish you didn’t over-analyze your entire life lol. You will seek perfection because you will think that if you’re perfect maybe that person will come back and thing you’re worthy. They won’t. So stop bothering with them, with that nonsense and freaking love yourself already dammit. Just because you were given up and left with an internal pain most will never fathom, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. You are worthy my dear oh so worthy of everything you’re willing to work for.
But know mental health, it’s going to be part of your platform eventually. You’re going to be an advocate for others who struggle. Your openness with your grief will help aid the lives of hundreds. Your desire to help others feel loved, supported, appreciated and respected will come from your battles. Understand you may have these issues but you my dear are going to find an incredible way to handle them that will empower other women to be able to do the same. Keep going.
In conclusion….
You’re another year older, which means you’ve lived, you’ve loved, you’ve lost, you’ve learned and you are ALIVE. Your 20s were your opportunity for self-growth and development, they were your canvas where you painted the foundation for a picture that is starting to develop. It’s a beautiful one. One you never saw coming. But let me tell you, each day will represent a stroke, it will add depth, color and a vibrance that will represent everything you stand for. Keep painting your picture. Your soul sees it. Your life needs it.
Sincerely,
Your 30 year old self.