Dear Depression,
This letter is to you. Because if we’re being honest, you almost won again.
I never quite know how to discuss you, I try to hide you, prevent you, remove you. But you’re never going away and it’s time we address just what you do to me. You weren’t welcome when you came, I didn’t ask you to come in but yet you barreled through anyway. You were silent at first, you started in my head with simple phrases. But as time went on you manifested yourself in my blood, in bones and in my life. You overcame me, and eventually you became a part of me.
You’re the lines on my face.
You’re the many sleepless nights.
You’re the scars that go unseen.
Proud you are of what you’ve become, what you’ve taken and what you continue to accomplish. You excel in preventing me from being successful, you use harsh language to suffocate me from speaking up. You have become the silent killer, the hand that holds me down when I try to stand, the force that pulls me back when I want to run. I’m not supposed to talk about you, or at least that’s what society tells me. People act as if you’re a disease they can catch if I speak your name. As if I am metastasizing this disease by focusing on your reality. What they don’t understand is that you are a part of me, it doesn’t mean I’m not happy, it just means you’ve become a part of me I cannot deny.
My name is still Gina.
I still remain compassionate and caring.
I still have goals, dreams and huge aspirations.
But recently, you became a contributing factor to a demise that was unforeseen. It was slow, it was silent, again, but it was present. Present in my words, or lack their of as I have pulled away. Present in my short temper and agitated state. Present in my never ending desire to rest. Present in my lack of appetite. Present in my overwhelming worthless feeling. Present in my desperate need for change in hopes to heal. Present in my inability to see the fortune I am surrounded by.
You are real.
You still remain.
You are me.
For so long, I have tried to overcome you, leave you behind, walk away from you and forget your existence. But it’s time now, it’s time to accept you’re a part of my life. Yes, I openly share that I have found healthy alternatives to you but there are days. The days where I cannot find a positive word to speak. The days where I cannot find a foot to stand on. The days when I re-evaluate my worth. The days when I question why God chooses to continue my journey over others. The days where I stand talking to headstones begging to go back to the days theat weren’t filled with such tragedy. The days….where I thought I was whole.
Now don’t get me wrong dear depression you exist, but as God as my witness I will not let you overcome my words, suffocate my thoughts or prevent me from achieving the things I set out to do. Yes, there are going to be sleepless nights filled with worry, fear and anxiety. Instead, I will not be in fear of your capabilities. Fear became an addiction that you induced into my body, an addiction I am fighting in all aspects of my life….but I am fighting.
The control you once held and your ability to terrify me on a regular basis, may forever lurk in my shadows, but I will not give you the satisfaction again to know you won. No matter how tight you grasp at my throat, no matter how cloudy you fill my brain painful thoughts, no matter how loud you scream in my head, no matter how heavy my legs feel when you try and hold me down, I will move forward.
What you don’t realize, what I didn’t realize for the longest time, is that because of you, every day for me and others is a battle worth fighting. There are days where I will go about my business like you never existed and there are days that your hurricane will overtake my soul and I will have to swim for my life. Feel free to itch at me, to dig at my heart, to tell me over and over I am not worthy of life. It will not matter. On the darkest days, the light always shines. I will find my light each day through love, happiness and hope. I will focus on what I have, appreciate what I don’t and no longer fear for my future. Gratitude, dear depression, is stronger than any hold you’ve ever had on me and because of that I will remain resilient.
What do I take away from our experiences? Strength. Determination. Power. Your efforts have taught me that I am stronger than I have ever known. Where I once was weak, I have overcome. That image in the mirror, with my head held down no longer prevails. I am stronger than you realized and because of you I will grow every single day that my eyes open and remember that those days are filled with possibility to right yesterday’s wrongs and prevail over all.
I am no longer ashamed of our relationship.
I am also no longer afraid to take you on.
I hope by reading this you’re no longer afraid or ashamed either.
All my love,
Gina.
