Mother’s Day.
It’s always weird for me.
It brings back a lot of memories.
Even more, questions.
For those that don’t know me well, I was abandoned by my biological mother.
After her weekend, she left us in our grandparents driveway.
She waved goodbye just like any other visitation weekend.
But she never came back.
I never really knew the impact it had on me.
After she left, I became quiet.
My family enlisted me in therapy.
And we learned that I’m the type that holds it all in.
Well…I’m 29 now and smart enough to realize that these questions won’t ever have answers.
Instead, they have left me with a life that on many occasions leaves me lacking in self-worth.
It’s hard, honestly, to understand why she didn’t terminate me if she didn’t want me.
It’s hard, honestly, to understand why anyone would want to be in my life if the person who brought me into this world gave me up.
It’s hard, honestly, to openly speak these words to others without tears streaming down my face.
It’s hard, honestly, to wonder why my efforts even matter when this kind of loss makes you constantly wonder who’s next to leave your life?
I don’t talk about this publicly normally, because I don’t want to be judged.
I don’t want to hear how great I am, because reality, I don’t feel great somedays.
I don’t want to be reminded that I am better off, I know I am but I still feel unworthy of a good life.
I don’t want others to know I’ve questioned continuing on because I feel like I am fighting a losing battle somedays with self-worth.
But…I am putting these thoughts into sentences because I’m not the only one who’s been abandoned, or neglected by someone they love.
Whether it’s a parent, a significant other, or a close friend, it hurts on a level so deep that in moments of grief, pain or failure, the thoughts take on another level and the physical pain returns.
Anytime I lost someone, whether it was my two friends when I was younger, one to heart failure and one to drugs. Or it was the first person to ever break my heart….or the person that truly ruined me for a long time. It all stems back to one thing for me, why am I never good enough? People come as quick as they go and even if I try to be on my best behavior, work as hard as I can, be the best that I can….someone’s leaving or dying around the corner.
This is probably morbid to some, but you’re probably also the one with both of your parents. You probably haven’t buried someone who was your rock. You didn’t watch the man who became your best friend lose all functional abilities in front of you and die. Or the police didn’t call you to tell you that your dad dropped dead and they needed someone to identify his body.
I’m different because of my history.
I love harder, because I am afraid I’ll lose them.
I work harder, because perfection doesn’t accompany pain.
I try harder, because I hope maybe it’ll be enough.
But as a child, when you are raised with chronic loss, you internalize fear on a different level than others can ever fathom. I felt ashamed for the longest time to tell people my mother abandoned me. People would make the same face over and over, they couldn’t help it, but it was always awkward for me.
I never talk about this because I don’t want sympathy from others. I don’t want someone to tell me they feel bad, because reality I thank God she left. It gave me a real chance at a real life with an amazing family who never made me feel unworthy or that I wasn’t wanted.
I share this now because Mother’s Day, for me, is a reminder of what I don’t have BUT more importantly now is a reminder of the women that stepped up and never skipped a beat. To my grandma, my aunts and my friend’s parents who always made me feel loved and wanted, they are the people I will celebrate this mother’s day.
Realize friends, it doesn’t matter who walks in or walks out, all that matters and all that we can control is WHO we are, WHAT we stand for and WHEN we are ready to share our light and let others in because we do deserve to be loved and to truly be happy.
Xoxo,
Gina
